The identity I have chosen to represent myself in this paper is that of being a father. This is an identity that I recently discovered just how important it is to me. Honestly it was not until I was responding to a discussion post for this class that I realized that this is a defining identity for me. Being a father was always something I planned on doing. I had thought about it when I was younger. I used to wonder what my wife would be like, what my career would be like, as well as what my children would be like. Many would believe that this is a characteristic of a girl, but I’ve always wondered about my future. Palmer (2002) wrote, “The father of a child can develop the bond during the pregnancy of his partner, feeling attachment to the developing child. Research indicates that this may have some biological basis.” I believe this to be a true statement. I have been blessed with two children, one living and one with the lord, as well as one on the way. My wife and I actually became pregnant on our wedding night, believe it or not, so really I went from being a bachelor to being a father very, very quickly, much too quick for my taste. Regarding fathers Parachin (2008) writes, “They take seriously their role as spiritual teachers and mentors for their children. They are not ashamed to say ‘I love you,’ nor do they hesitate to shower their children with physical expressions of love”
As I stated before I just recently became aware of this defining me. After the loss of my second child, I began a tailspin of sorts into the man I have become today. Words that would have described me would be aimless, lazy, or perhaps apathetic to my future. The time since her passing has been full of heart ache, tears, and self discovery, which has led me right to this keyboard, typing this paper. I admit to having problems balancing all the different aspects of being a father. Between work, friends, and any other project I may be working on, it has become extremely difficult for me to find the time to complete any given task. For example: This past week I was unable to complete and submit my assignments from week three during the tornado and subsequent power/communication outage. Monday I was stuck at work for ten hours before finally coming home to find the internet still down. Tuesday was my third wedding anniversary, which I had planned on taking my wife and son to Joplin to eat, obviously that didn’t happen. Wednesday, the internet was back on; however, I got stuck at work again until 9:00. I had to scramble and claw my way to complete the discussion posts for my classes. Thursday, I was finally able to complete and submit last week’s assignment. Friday, I attended a funeral of a family friend, worked, went straight from work to a rehearsal for the wedding of my best friend, and proceeded to get sucked into taking care of the last minute preparations for the wedding. Saturday, I spent all day fulfilling my obligations as best man, finally collapsing and getting some much needed sleep. Sunday, I woke up and proceeded to Joplin, MO to be a part of the peace rally, memorial service, and listen to President Obama speak in person, finally finishing the day by doing homework. I will refer to this week in the coming years as: the week from hell.
Obviously this was an exceptionally emotional and hectic/busy week, but my point is at no point was I able to fulfill my obligations as a parent to my son. It pains my heart to think that during these formative times he’s missing out on being with his father. I have no intentions of not being with my son but life has made it extremely difficult to spend any real time with him. When I first became a father, I went through a depression of sorts. I wanted no part of the responsibility. I suppose I went through this because of my unhappiness at the time with my wife and what had become of my life. Some of the advantages of being a father are getting to be with my family. Feeling the love and support of hearing that little voice say, “Daddy!” I get to see my son grow and learn. I love being a father with all my heart, but for me the only real disadvantage is with regards to my daughter. I have been through an emotional time coming to grips with the fact that my daughter, Emmy, who passed away, will never have the opportunity to grow old, read books, watch movies, or fall in love. She will never build a life, and I’ll never get to walk my little girl down the aisle. I don’t feel, as some would, that the disadvantages of being a parent mean that I cannot do whatever I want, whenever I want. Most of the things I enjoy doing I do at home anyway.
This identity of being a father has not really influenced me too much as my lifestyle hasn’t really changed when compared to before I became a father so I don’t really feel that I have significantly changed my habits at life or at home. To that same end, how I communicate with people hasn’t really changed when compared to before. I do however feel that my school work has felt the impact of my fatherly duties. I am unable to spend as much time working on any given project or assignment as I would normally like to take. I have been able to set aside Wednesdays and Sundays as days that I can work on school work, but this is becoming increasingly difficult as the school work demands more time be taken. With that in mind I am faced with the choice of how to juggle these to separate yet equally important aspects of the current state of my life.
In general, I have observed that others who are not fathers do not fully understand the time and effort one has to make to maintain a good solid foundation for your child. When I am unable to attend an event hosted by a friend due to having to take care of my child, they don’t always understand. However, I will make this choice every time it is presented to me. Johnson (2011) writes, “A child with a nonresident father is 54 percent more likely to be poorer than his or her father. Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school.” Even though I am present in the home, I feel that my son can still suffer the effects of my absence.
References
Johnson, A. J. (2011) Straight No Chaser Fathers Inc.
Palmer, L. F. (2002) Bonding Matters: The Chemistry of Attachment Attachment Parenting International News
Parachin, V. M, (2008) Seven Lessons to Becoming a Better Father Unity Magazine
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